The official joke thread!!!

[Steve Valentine]

Not really jokes, but interesting items.


"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
"lollipop" with your right.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".


Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.



The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet.

There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous



There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."



TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.



All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill

[Indianasmith]

How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?


They both have a sour-cough-I-guess!!!!

[Steve Valentine]

A guy takes his car into the shop to get it looked at and the mechanic tells him it will be about an hour before he can tell him what might be wrong.

They man says, "Alright, I'm going to walk across the street and get an ice cream cone and I'll be back in an hour". The guy goes and gets him a cone and it falls off onto his shoes it really ticks him off.

He goes back to the shop after and hour and when he walks in the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal" and the man says, "No, that's just ice cream".

[NorthTxHunter]

Two cowboys were sitting on an airplane and a woman sat down between them. The cowboys were dressed in their best apparel; big hats, boots, large belt buckles, etc.

The woman is constantly looking them both up and down until one of the cowboys asks if he can help the woman. The woman kindly says “I have never seen anyone dressed this way. What are you?”

The man replies “Well ma’am, I’m a cowboy.” “Well what do you like to do the woman replied.” The cowboy answered “I like to ride horses and rope cows. By the way, what are you?”

The woman replied “I’m a lesbian” “What do lesbians like to do” asked the cowboy. “I like to squeeze boobs and eat (kitty cat).”

The woman turns to the other man and says “I assume you are also a cowboy.” The second man says “Well, I always thought I was, but now I’m kinda thinking I’m a Lesbian.”

[Mud Hawk]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
.
.
.
I have no eye-deer...

[Bobby]

What do women and dog turds have in common?



The older they both get the easier it is to pick them up..........

[Mud Hawk]

Poland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the kayak and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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Do you know about Ghandi? He took a vow of poverty, went barefoot everywhere, ate very little and as a result, was thin and had dental disease... He was a super fragile, calloused mystic, hexed with halitosis.

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Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a doG.

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A guy dies and goes to Hell. He has a choice of three rooms in which to spend eternity, and Satan takes him around to pick which one it will be. In the first room, everyone’s naked and standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy asks to see the next room and there, everyone is naked and standing on their heads on a concrete floor. He asks to see the last room and everyone is naked, upright, and having a cup of coffee, but waist high in crap. The guy considers them all and picks the last. Hey, upright, at least, right? And there’s coffee! As the guy finishes signing the contract for his place in the room, Satan yells to the people in it: “BREAK’S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!”

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A man walks into a bar, and sets a tiny grand piano down. He then pulls a foot-tall man out of another pocket and sets him at the piano. The tiny man begins to play beautiful music.

After a while, the bartender can’t stand it. “Buddy, where did you get that little guy?”

The man looks at him for a second, then pulls out an old bottle from his pocket. “My friend, I was walking on the beach one day, and I picked it up and started rubbing the sand off it. Suddenly, a genie appeared, and said he would give me any wish I desired…”

The bartender is excited. “Do you think I could borrow that bottle for a second?” “Sure,” says the guy, and hands it over. The bartender goes into a side room.

A minute later, the bar starts filling up with ducks. So many ducks, they start spilling out into the street. “Buddy!” says the bartender, “Is that genie hard of hearing??? I asked for a million bucks!”

“Well, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[Mud Hawk]

This joke is for Commanche:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

[Headhunter23]

Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations!